HAPPY 10 MONTH ANNIVERSARY, EMMA!!!!


I love you, darling... more today than I ever have before.

I am still Under your spell!

It's been a long... day, month... year... decade... life.

Last night, I couldn't exactly get to sleep, so I stayed up a bit and wrote some really wretched poetry... yeah. Robbie seemed to like this one, though, and Kaplan likes it too... so I figured I'd post it on up here and get some feedback. Sound good? Too bad.


this is me, with the ounce of strength I have left.
this is me, tired - exhausted -
with my joints aching
this is me and my turn to speak.
Funny how we don't always get
what we want,
but when needs are met
we're bound to just get what we get
These crooked pictures, toothy smiles...
naive eyes don't look the same as they did
before...
before the madness, the chaos, the avalanche...
Things that mattered then
don't seem to matter anymore
my overbite doesn't seem so big
my cheek bones don't look so gaunt
my wrists won't snap if I turn away
Funny how I'm finding strength
didn't think I'd even live to seem number 16
Didn't think I'd open this new
door instead of idling in the inbetween
Didn't think I'd open up and
leave my heart there on my sleeve.
Didn't think I'd wake up or sleep again
Didn't think I'd write honestly afterall
but I guess...
that it's a little..
a little too late



let me know what you think



peace.

long day... too tired to explain..


peace

So, that bastard tried to apologize to me after seeing me Thursday.. via a comment in my journal. This prompted me to have the following conversation with him...

MistyJ2K [7:30 PM]: I've got something you need to hear... so shut up and listen to me.

Ainjelsayne [7:30 PM]: k

MistyJ2K [7:32 PM]: you stole a year of my life a way from me... for that I will be forever resentful and I'm trying my best to recover that missing year... do not think that I'm foolish enough to ever want you back in my life and don't be egocentric and think that you ever cross my mind... I keep my distance from you for a reason and I do not want you as a friend or an acquaintance or anything more than someone I once knew.. When you ever crossed my mind, the thoughts left were those of spite and hatred...

MistyJ2K [7:33 PM]: so please back off and don't try to contact me

Ainjelsayne [7:33 PM]: k just wanted to apologize

MistyJ2K [7:34 PM]: apologies mean nothing coming from you, Eric

MistyJ2K [7:38 PM]: I hated you when you were in my life... and now.. you mean nothing to me

Ainjelsayne [7:38 PM]: ok


I don't even hate Jacob, but goddamn I hate him...

*shrugs* where do I begin?


This song reminds me of so much.. it's so weird.. good, but weird.. a year ago this was my theme song.. now... it's changed so much for me...


Emma and I were going through a really rocky spot for a while there, but things are better now... I'll not go into detail.. I just want you to believe me...

Things are crazy with my parents... very crazy. but I think.. once this all smoothes over, things will be all right. I mean.. divorce sucks, but I think it always sucks, you know? it's when you let the suck take over and give up... that's when everyone loses out.

I've got an ear infection and a sinus infection.. when translated this means that I have to put these stupid drops in my ears four times a day.. which bites.

Enough ranting about the less than good stuff...

Julia is a super cool chica.. she's been such an awesome friend to me.. It's great to have someone like her in my life...

Speaking of awesome friends, Paddy and I hung out this evening with her (and now my) friend Anne. We're starting this group for children with mentally ill parents.. it's great. I'm having a blast.. they're two very awesome people, who I can talk to and who understand because they've been through similar situations. It's such a nice thing...

Which brings me to my next thing:

If you've been suffering with a emotionally ill parent, I'd like to talk to you... I promise that whatever is talked about will be kept entirely confidential.. I just have a few questions.

Thanks for your help.




Peace

crap. *smiles* but things are okay now...

things that haven't changed:

-dad is still very depressed/strange acting
-my friends still kick ass

things that have changed:

-Emma and I are together... things got worse... but then they got better, so that's really great.
-Julia + Jo = together.. that's really hard to explain, but it's positive for now
-I'm going back into therapy.

I wrote a letter last night and it was really... angry and sad, but then.. I talked things through and it was really nice... I don't have to send the aforementioned letter, which makes me happy. *smiles*

Ooh.. I'm going to MY Renaissance Faire tomorrow with my good friend Nick.. I don't want to wake up at six, but it'll totally be worth it.


Huge thanks to the following (in no particular order*): Emma, Genya, Jo, Julia, Kara McFlara, Kris, MmmPie, Mrs. Marshall, my mom, Nina, Paddy... you are all so very, very wonderful and awesome...




*you damn fool, it was in alphabetical order


Peace

There's so much to write about.. and yet.. I don't want to go through it all again... Just be sated with the knowledge that I'm okay.. I'm relatively happy.. I just.. *shrugs* there's so much that's been happening.. so much of it that hurts too, but because I know me.. I know that I don't want to write about it.. If you're all freaked out by that.. well.. pssht... but you can call me up.. or comment or whatever.. I'll talk to you one-on-one.

I'm repainting my room.. very soon. The main walls are going to be this beautiful deep red (yes, it's called fetish. no, that's not why I chose it.. well.. not the only reason..) and the ceiling there will be bright yellow.. whereas, the walls in the alcove are going to be cerulean blue and the ceiling will be deep midnight blue... I'm very excited.


I miss my Patti.


Oh.. and I owe a huge thanks to the following people for being here this past week: Emma, Genya, MmmPie, Paddy, Mom, Sarah... err.. I don't know who else.. but if I forgot you.. please know that your help/advice/calming words were appreciated.

Life’s not a song.
Life isn’t bliss.
Life is just this.
It’s living.
You’ll get along.
The pain that you feel
Only can heal
By living.
You have to go on living.
So that one of us is living.






Peace.

"I wish I was stronger...
I wish I could feel no pain.."

Truck died.. battery problems..

Dad was still pissed off.. wouldn't talk to me.. is cheerful now..

Mom took my side and supported me in my standing up for myself last night.

Talked to Julia last night... cried a lot.. about Emma and how scared I am... it's a long story.. but it was kinda nice to have someone to talk to... you know?

I really want to talk to Paddy.. she kinda gets me.. not the way Emma gets me, but more in a "I've been through a lot of the same crap and can relate to you" kind of way.. it's nice...

Paddy is great.

I'm going driving with Nick and Adam in a bit, so that'll be fun.. they're great guys.. love 'em to pieces.



Peace.

Em's still in Russia... I miss her like crazy.

Paddy Kilrain is one of the coolest people ever... she's also an awesome friend and I'm really glad she's in my life.

guitar lesson was fun today.. Henry = best friend ever.


http://www.geocities.com/threequeersandadrummer/

check that site out.. that's the greatest band of all time.. (heh heh heh) JHO IS A GOD FOR MAKING THAT SITE FOR US! THANK YOU JHO!


Big Day Out III rocked my socks off... six.. (count 'em SIX) different girls approached me and asked for my number... which was crazy.. CRAZY! AMY LEE is so damn hot... we've got a link to her site on our site. :) WOO! And I saw my big sister(s) and hung out with them.. (Norah and Kier for those fools who don't know) Kier gave me some really awesome advice... and is going to come with us when we first go to the Cape. SWEET!

I saw Charlie's Angels II: Full Throttle avec my best chica ever... (Genya) It was great. Let me just tell you... you know Demi Moore? HOW HOT IS SHE?! I threw popcorn at Gen and got Coke in her eye.. and on her Birks.. heh heh heh... (the soda... dumbass)

I'm going to Cape Cod on Saturday morning for two weeks.. I'm so psyched... it's going to rock so hard... all four of us are going.. so that's scary. (Meaghy says I should go to a church, a synagogue, a Hindu temple, a mosque, a Buddhist temple.. and whatever else I can find.. and pray like crazy.. what a fool)

yeah.. I'm tired... I'll leave you with this:



I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.




peace.

So much has been going on.. it's ridiculous.

LET'S SEE:

-School's out! HUZZAH! I'm so glad to be out.. best feeling ever.

-Things are weird between Sarah and I (surprise, surprise)... she made a comment at Alt. Prom and it really hurt me... I just don't want to deal with that for a while..

-ALT. PROM ROCKED MY PANTS OFF! Gen and I were dressed so similarly.. it rocked.. best twins ever.. TWINCEST!

-My Emma is in Russia.. (foreign exchange program) You've probably been listening to me prattle on about how much I miss her if you've talked to me lately.

-I miss a lot of my schoolish friends... so I've got to hang with them soon.. very soon...

-I'mma go to the Cape for the last two weeks in July.. which is going to kick so much ass.. P-TOWN, HERE I COME!

-I've got a pretty bad sunburn which hurts like crazy.

-I went to see Nina this past weekend.. which rocked so much.. it was great to see her... (and become a GF hick)

-OOH! and on the 4th of July.. I'm going to go see Neil Young and Crazy Horse... Neil Young = God

-OH! My bestest lead guitar playing fool (a.k.a. Julia) is going out with my foolity mcfools a lot friend Jo.. SO EXCITED FOR THEM! That rocks so much.. AND JO FINALLY HAS AIM!!!!!

-I miss Cristie

the band is good.. we need to schedule practices like now.

love,
me.

ah... my throat and head and stomach are throbbing and I feel so awful...

I'm still reeling from yesterday's excitement after school with Soph, Elly and Sarah...why does it have to be so goddamn complex.

I miss my Emma...

ooh.. I might get to see Kier this weekend.. which rocks.. so much. and that makes me really, really happy.

-Lel

today.. I'm at about a four. I keep thinking about Cristie and how crappy my memoirs are thus far.. they're just.. *sighs* not what I want them to be.. it makes me sad.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY NINI!

I apologize for not putting that in earlier, Nina...

Mother's Day rocked my lack of socks even farther off...

the Tulip Fest = best thing ever..

Yes, Em and I are getting married in my backyard.. :) God, she makes me so happy..

*is so tired* Sarah and I are going home to sleep.. okay? *rolls eyes* yeah.. like that'll happen.

Cristie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it had to come to this. I miss you. A lot. You were my best friend and you will always.. always.. always be in my heart. I love you.

-Lel

eh.. yeah.. so it's advisory... I don't know what exactly I wanted to write.. Sarah + short hair = rocking (and, yes, slightly like Velma from Scooby Doo.) :)

Ooh.. Spanish Love Prod was wonderfully wonderful. *smiles* check out Em's journal if you don't believe me.. the pictures from that came out really well.. I had a great time.. attacked my Bean I and got to see the Eight and the Six and the Molly.. :) I love Molly to pieces... (yes, Emma.. I love you more)

I passed out sometime on Sunday and didn't wake up until Monday morning.. had a panic attack Monday, wound up hysterical in the Social Worker's office.. whatever. I hate that bastard.. I just.. argh.

Which leads me to why I'm writing my memoirs.. I am, bizarre as it seems for me to actually be writing something. But it's nice. I just.. I need to let go. I need to free myself of the energy that is being consumed my hatred.. I think it might help the fact that I'm so tired all the time (and crashed in Earth Science today).

I'm tired and I want to go get some sleep.. but eh.

so.. recap: My weekend rocked... I love Emma... Sarah's hair looks great and I'm tired.

I've got the digital camera with me today filled with fun pictures (including those of Jess' cleavage.) muah ah ah... Oh, how I love my expository photography.

Mostly, the only reason I actually have the camera with me is because Sarah is getting her hair cut on Friday.. Woot. I promise that I will post the "before" pictures, as I take them... :) and maybe the one of Jess' cleavage as well. *grins* YAY! Oh, and of course the bus picture of Jo. :) rockin'

I was wearing the tux I'mma wear to Spanish Love Prod last night and mom and dad loved it. :) I'm psyched to see how it looks with the white tie.

Sarah and Jo are fools... typing essays that they should have done earlier, but meh.

:) I've gotta go take more pictures..

Em: I lovey ou

OH! SARAH = LOOKS GREAT IN A DRESS! :) hence the mood.

Today was long and kind of boring. I've been listening to The Suggestions (John Broder's band) John Broder Rules! Meh, anyway... yeah.

So, this morning I got a typed letter from Jo. *sighs* It was kind of angry and sad and hurt-y all at the same damn time. I hate this. I just... I want to sleep. That's what I want. Currently, however, I'm working on earth science homework and finding everything I'mma wear on Saturday for Spanish Love Prod. I think that's going to be the highlight of my week. Either that or band practice... EEE! BAND!

Robbie and MaPi (a.k.a. Matt Sulem) met for the first time today... and Robbie was all, "He's so hot... and... straight" it was cute. *smiles* We ate lunch outside again today, which was nice.. It was good to get some fresh air. :)

I've gotta go finish up my homework.. I'll probably write later to rant about Buffy.. :) FINALLY IT'S A NEW EPISODE!

Okay, so hello and welcome to my LiveJournal. I'm so psyched to have this all up here now. A huge thank you to Sarah for the code.

Today, was a not-so-hot day, as I was faced with the awkwardness that comes with an admission of love between friends. I just wish I wasn't hurting Jo, but I am, so I'm dealing with that. Anyway, I had a panic attack and an attack of the G.I.R.D. (Gastro Intestinal Reflux Disorder), which sucked a lot. argh.

However, TODAY WAS ALSO MY FOUR MONTH WITH EMMA! *grins* I'm so excited about that... really, really excited. Prod is this weekend and that too will rock.

OOH! and my band The Interrobangs finally has a drummer. I love Matt Sulem, as he's agreeing to this whole band thing and we've got band practice this Friday. :-D